Sue81

I’m going to stay where I am. It is the right choice for me. It is a positive decision I believe. I have unfinished business here and if I leave a lot of the work I have done over the last 5 years will go to waste. The changes they have implemented mean more responsibility and a focus where my skills lie, so I can continue to add value.

No matter which way I looked at it I couldn’t commit to the new job. It didn’t suit me. I’m not cut out to be a consultant  and what is the point of moving back if I’m going to be away all week. It also in a strange way felt like a step backwards not forwards. I’m glad I applied as it has meant I have reassessed my working life and have moved it in a positive direction (okay so I also got a big pay increase out of it).

My new assistant starts next Tuesday and I am being given free rein to focus his training towards the areas of our work which I no longer wish to focus on. This will free up my time for my new responsibilities. In three months time we will be recruiting another assistant to allow the team to continue to develop. I am going to get some training on how to manage people and leadership etc. My previous attempt didn’t go very well, my people issues make me want to avoid conflict which is not always the best in a boss.

I’m feeling better now I have made this decision and will do everything to make sure this works out. I know factors other than the pure job have affected this decision in both directions but it is part of who I am.

I haven’t yet told either company as my current employers have promised to put the things we’ve been discussing in writing and I want that in my hand before I tell them I’m staying. Once that is confirmed I will get in touch with my recruitment consultant and let him know my decision. I doubt he’ll be pleased as he won’t get paid if I don’t take the job.

Now this is sorted I am going to set out some goals and actions for myself:

1. Get back on plan and lose the weight
- I have not been fully on plan for a while now. I’ve still been losing but I know if I’m fully committed it will get better. I’m not going to set a certain time frame as if I do that and do not succeed I will become disheartened. I will do as I stated at the beginning and take it 1st (14lbs) at a time.

2. Get a full health MOT
- I’ve never been in the best of health and the years of abusing my body through feeding it crap and forcing it to carry all this extra weight have certainly not improved the situation. I think it is time I had a good check up to make sure nothing is lurking which needs dealing with and to allow me to get a handle on some of my health problems. Allergies, asthma, eczema and PCOS are a lovely combination. I also think I need to ask the doc some hard questions, some are easier left unasked.

3. Get some help for my people issues
-It is time I dealt with this properly. I’m not sure exactly what the problem is but I’m going to find someone I can talk this through with and try to deal with why I am scared of people. Hopefully it will allow me to move on with other areas of my life.

4. Get more active
- I used to love swimming, circuit training and weights but these days my activity level is around zero. Other than the odd walk and session on the wii I do nothing. I’d love to get down the gym but I don’t have the confidence. I need to find something I can do to aid the weight loss. I think I might invest in a punch bag or something similar. Whatever I need to do something.

5. Get on the housing ladder
- Not weight related but an important part of my committing to staying here.  Something with a bit more space would mean no more excuses as to why people can’t come round and I aim to try to invite some colleagues round for a meal with a laugh or two with the wii once I get this sorted.

I think those will do as a starting point. Sorry it is such a long post.
I’d like to thank all my buddies for their comments while I’ve been making my decision, it helped me to blog. Oh and Flo, you’re right, I’m not sure I really know what happy is but I want to try and find out, so yes I will still talk to you!

After my last post of odd bulges and pain, I tried to get a doctor’s appointment today but you seem to need to know you need the doc about 2 weeks in advance, so no luck.

I think I have worked out what it is. My stomach is covered with stretch marks and I think I have iritated a few. My stomach is changing shape due to the weight loss and my trousers fit differently and I think something has been rubbing.  I’ve been wearing drawstring trackies and leaning forward a lot to mess about with the laptop or play Mario Kart.

If it is still uncomfortable on Wednesday or it changes or gets worse I’ll go to the walk in centre and see what they say.

Thinking time about the new job is nearly over (still haven’t made a decision but I’m running out of time), once I know what I’m doing I’m going to post some lifestyle goals so I have something to measure myself against.

I’m getting fairly close to making my decision but that is not what this is all about.

I am in pain and I’m not quite sure what it is. To explain I’m going to have to describe the delight that is my abdomen. I have a roll of fat from under my bust to just above my belly button. I have a waist and then a large stomach.
The pain is in my upper abdomen in the right hand side of my upper fat roll. It seem to be sticking out a bit further on the right and kind of feels like I have bruised myself except that there isn’t a certain point that hurts when I touch it. In fact it seems to hurt less when I press it.

I guess the reason why I am posting this is to find out if anyone knows if you can get something like a hernia in this area or if anyone has experienced anything like it before. It’s uncomfortable rather than being really painful but I want to know if this is something I need to have looked at.

It puzzles me a bit as to why something is like this when I losing weight I’d have thought it would have happened when I was gaining.
Oh well if anyone has any input let me know. If it continues I’ll go see the doc in a day or two.

Well I’ve weighed in this morning and it’s a 2lb loss, which I have to admit was slightly unexpected. I’m an emotional eater and stress more than anything make me eat. I have tried to curb the worse excesses this week but my eating was not what it should have been. Once I sort my head out I can get back on with sorting my body out.

I’m calmer today. I had got myself very worked up before my last post. I still have to make a decision but it must be a positive one. I need to decide whether or not to take the new job based on the job and the opportunities it offers. If I decide not too I need to decide whether I want to stay here. I always have the option of not taking the new job but looking for another different type of one.
If I remain where I am it has to be a decision to stay rather than just a decision not to go, if that makes any sense. If I don’t make a choice I’m happy with then I won’t be able to give my best to my work.

I think when I used the word can’t in the last post it was too strong. I know if I want to do it I can. I went away to uni and was ok. I moved down here and I was ok. Initially (and alright quite a lot of the way through) it wasn’t the most pleasant experience but I can get through it. The question is do I want a job where I have to face up to this everyday.

Well this weekend is devoted to making decisions (and playing Mario Kart when I have been thinking too hard). I know whatever decision I make I will feel better once it is made. I’m not good when I don’t know what is happening. I’ll let you guys know when I have made my choice.

Well my offer came through from IBM and it is a good one. It includes a car and all sorts of other benefits.

I have told my current employer that it is very likely I will leave. I felt it was necessary as we were about to offer someone the job as my assistant and it wasn’t far on him if my boss didn’t know what was going to happen. This has made life tricky for the last couple of days as they construct a counter offer to get me to stay.  I have had meetings with my boss, my boss and the finance director, they have had meetings with the CFO and so have I.

I now have to decide do I stay or do I go. I know it’s a case of weighing up the pros and cons of each and they both have things in their favour. The new job is based back in my home town but it will mean living in hotels Monday-Friday (which will make losing weight an interesting experience!), the current job has been promised to change (they are promising me virtually anything) but do I believe them.

There is a factor however which no-one who I tell including my family knows I need to take into account. I’m writing this here and it’ll be almost the first time I have admitted it to anyone but I’m terrified of people. I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I would find the new job scary and that I find it difficult to get close to people but that is the tip of the iceberg. Any dealings with people in confined spaces make me very nervous especially if I don’t know them very well. I thought it was getting better, I’m okay at work most of the time and try to avoid anything which I know will be a problem. I was reminded by just how bad it gets on Monday at our annual managers briefing. Every other year I have found an excuse not to go but I ran out. It involves sitting in a room full of people listening to presentations for hours on end. I lasted for about 2.5 hours but then I had a panic attack and had to get out of the room. I blamed in on an uncomfortable sitting position and a warm room but it felt like the walls and people were closing in on me.

All the time I have lived away from home I have never had anyone back to my place. I even get like that at family parties. The few times I tried going clubbing I had panic attacks in the toilets.

What does this mean for the job decision. Well I’m not sure I can actually do a job which involves me dealing with strangers in a strange environment everyday. It would certainly be easier to stay where I am. I think I am going to try to evaluate the decision first without taking this into account and then if the new job comes out on top, try to work out if it is a possibility.

Yet another blog which has little to do with weight loss but the support and advice of people here is a great help on any topic.

Well I’ve done it, they are going to make me a job offer. So sometime soon I am going to be a Financial Management Consultant for IBM and relocating back up North.  I don’t have any further details yet but I should find out on Monday. At least it isn’t hanging over me through the weekend.
It is a scary thought, I’ll be on site with clients 4-5 days a week, only being home at weekends. I’ll be dealing with all sorts of different people every time I go somewhere new.

I was fully expecting to stick or even worse case gain a couple of pounds this week due to my focus being elsewhere but I tried my best and I’ve managed to lose 1lb. That has topped off a good week. I found out just before my weekly trip to the supermarket so I’ve bought a few things I shouldn’t but I think some small celebrations are in order this weekend. As from Monday I am fully back in the saddle and getting on with the task in hand of losing more weight.

The changes should also hopefully mean I’m able to support my little brother a bit more. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him much on here. He is currently a ministry assistant in Lancaster and he’s about to move into his 2nd year of doing this. He is paid very little, it basically covers his rent and food and a little pocket money. Not only that but the church only provides 50% and he has to find half of it himself. He has been trying to get grants and sponsorships but most of it is donations from friends or his old church etc.
He has a degree and is a qualified teacher but he has decided this is what he wants to do with his life. Our dad isn’t entirely supportive but told him that he can do what he wants as long as he is self supporting (he’s 24 so it’s not like he could stop him although he did cut off the cash). Consequently even though my mum is trying to give him money he won’t accept it. He was seriously short of the amount he needs to raise for this year and I only found out last time I was home. As I just got a payrise roughly equivalent to the amount he receives in a year I am plugging the gap. I feel this is something I need to do.
The church has outgrown its buildings so it is planning to split and when it does they will need an assistant pastor and he believes this may be where he is heading. Hopefully one day he will be able to do what he wants and have enough money to properly support himself and allow him to think about getting married and having a family.

I appear to have digressed. I think this is going to be a happy weekend and if Mario Kart had been delivered this morning everything would be going to plan.

I thought I posted this about 6 hours ago and logged off. I just turned my laptop back on and thought it strange that I hadn’t received any comments, of cause when I logged in my post was siting as a draft in my account. I must have hit save not publish!

This is not about weight loss or otherwise unless you put it under excuses for not eating correctly. I need somewhere to express my thoughts and anywhere else I would do this my boss also uses so that’s not exactly appropriate. So please try to put up with this or move on if you don’t want to read.

Those of you who have read my previous blogs will know that I am in the process of trying to change jobs and yesterday was my 2nd interview for a job I really want.

I think the interview went well and my recruitment consultant had told me that I might find out today if they were going to make me an offer, however he hasn’t heard anything yet one way or the other. I hate not knowing. I think I’d rather know the worst than be left waiting to find out. I really hope I find out tomorrow.

This week has been all round stressful, luckily the curry cleared up my cold before it had chance to really take hold, but on Monday I was presented with a letter stating that work wanting to change my Ts & Cs so I had a 3 month notice period, I obviously haven’t signed it yet but I can’t put it off forever and if I don’t get this job I’ll have to factor that in when I apply for any more.
On Tuesday the Finance Director called me into his office to discuss his plans for my future. He had big plans, getting me more staff, moving my team so it became a department with me leading it etc etc. It would have been really motivating if I believed one single word he said. He is full of pipe dreams and false promises. I’ve listened before and nothing comes of what he says. The only thing it did was mess with my head before the interview. Work don’t know I’ve had interviews but they must suspect something either that or they have finally realised just how deeply unhappy I’ve been 6 months too late.

My looking for a new job and try to loss weight are linked to me trying to sort my life out. It’s far easier to keep working for the same company than to put yourself out there to find a new job and having to go through interviews with people judging you. I know that as a graduate looking for a job, my weight was a factor in my not getting jobs. Employers think that if you can’t control your weight, you might not be an effective employee.
Being heavy works as an great barrier between you and other people, figuratively and literally. I’ve never been able to get close to people even as a friend let alone anything more. If anyone showed any interest I wondered what was wrong with them. If no one gets near you they can’t hurt you.
I want things to change and I’m trying to get things to change, one step at a time.

Unfortunately the positive isn’t with my eating, although I have managed to lose the 1lb I gained last week..

I had my job interview on Monday which involved a 7 hour round trip to London on the train. I got there about lunchtime and needed some food before the interview. I was looking for a subway or something similar, however there wasn’t one and well I ended up in Burger King, which really wasn’t as nice as it sounded or smelt. I had got there a bit early and as the interview was on the South Bank, I took a little walk down the side of the Thames, which was nice until it started snowing. The interview only lasted 45 minutes, which given the travelling time involved was a bit, I don’t know an anti-climax. When I finally got back, I was shattered and ordered a pizza.

I found out on Tuesday that I’ve got a 2nd interview on Wednesday 16th. This time it is an all day affair, involving 3 interviews a series of tests and presentations. I’ve got to be there for 10am so I’m going to have to get a train at 5:10 ouch! I’ve had to ask for another day off work at short notice which didn’t go down too well, but hey hopefully it will be worth it. 

All this is stressing me out and work is very stressful as well. I’ve got my laptop at home this weekend to do some work.  Unfortunately the stress and the walk in the snow have landed me with a cold. I’m not feeling too bad now but that is mainly due to my prefered medication, very hot curry.

As a result of everything my eating has not been what it should this week, when I’m stressed I eat and with a cold, a lot of healthy food isn’t exactly tasty, well not in the way I want.  I guess only one area of my life can be right at the top of my agenda and this week it hasn’t been my weight. I know it will move back to the top once I know what is happening about the job.

I gained 1lb this week, the first time I’ve gained since starting this but if I’m honest it’s not a big surprise.

It’s TOM, I’ve got stuff on my mind and it was the departmental curry night on Thursday.

I had a plan, I was going to have a pint of lager in the pub before, an indian lager in the curry house and another pint afterward and as long a I didn’t go OTT on the food everything would be ok.
The usual idea is that the company pays for a drink each, puts a selection of dishes on each table and away you go. Well this time the food was the same but no-one was told that it was free drinks all night.
I had my pint in the pub before, got a lager in the curry house and started on the food, I had what I wanted an no more so no problem there. Unfortunately the drinking side of things did not go as planned I ended up with three lagers in the cury house and several vodkas in the pub afterward. I didn’t even make it into bed, I slept on the sofa.

I wasn’t in a good way Friday morning, actually I was absolutely hanging. I had to do an interview in the afternoon and my boss was as bad as I was. As I work at an airport you can’t go out to get food so we have several food vans that visit during the day including one called Eros that has a hot plate in the back of the van selling bacon sandwiches and the like. I had a breakfast special, bacon, sausage and egg. It wasn’t good for the diet but it was the only way I was getting through the day.

In terms of the things that are on my mind, I’ve got a job interview in London on Monday and I’m already really nervous. It means a lot to me and I don’t want to mess it up. One of the reasons I was looking for a new job was the pay at my old one and on Friday afternoon I found out I am getting a payrise, it’s still not enough but it’s enough to mess with my head.

Oh well the Grand National is just about to be run and I’ve got a few quid on, so I’m going go see if I win.